Chapter Six: That Maas Magic

Since last week's post was a bit of a downer I wanted to do a positive one that was about my new besties! Also, sorry if this post seems all over the place. That's kind of where my mind is at the moment. There's a lot going on in the world of Aimee.

Let's go back to February of this year when I got my Kindle Fire and went on a 99 cent book shopping spree. That's when I came across A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas. I didn't think much about it at the time just a book to put on my to-read list. Little did I know that I would be sucked into a world unlike any other.

I fell in love with Sarah's writing and well...EVERYTHING. Just after getting into both of her series I began to work on a series of my own. (You know the reason I started this blog.) Which I am working on Chapter 16 at this very moment! But let's get back to why I love the world of Sarah J. Maas.

She creates such detailed worlds with dynamic and memorable characters. Every detail is important, cause let's face it, she is the queen of foreshadowing. She writes such amazing and strong female characters and relationships, and battles! I could go on about why she is so amazing. She also has a super cute dog too!

Since I was the only one out of my friends to have read both series, I needed a group of people to vent to about both series. So I joined two Facebook groups to do just that. Out of those two groups, a chat formed of gals that loved Maas and writing. We became a family with members from different countries, backgrounds, and ages. I seriously had no idea that within a week we would be so close!

Due to the various time zones that we all live in, there is always someone online ready to talk at any point in the day. While many of us draw strength from our friends and family, we also draw strength from each other in this amazing internet Maas family. Since the chat started, we've all felt like there is always someone there to help us get through the day or through whatever Maas book we are reading.

It's so crazy to think that an author was the very reason that we became friends already planning a meetup and secret Santa. It's so amazing that a book series has the power to create such friendships. I can only hope that my writing will have that power. I sincerely hope that the other writers in my group also have that same effect.

This is the power of love and imagination and it grows. That's the power of the Court of Dreams and Wildfire and Hugs.

So, let's toast to the stars that listen and to the dreams that are answered, and let's show the world that we can rattle the stars.

Chapter Five; My story isn't over

Today I woke up at about 5:30 in the morning. I slumped out of bed and begrudgingly walked to the shower. I faked a smile in order to apply my blush so that I didn't look like death. My dog was fed and taken out.

Today I drove to work telling myself that I will be happy today. 

Today I heard two of my coworkers whispering. About what? I do not know. What I do know is that I could have sworn they were talking about me. At least, that is what my mind was telling me. 

Today I sat at my desk writing my news story knowing it wasn't good enough. Knowing that my writing was sub-par. Or is it? Because you see, my mind told me that I couldn't write. My boss told me it was great writing just needed that bit of polishing. 

Today some words that were said seemed harsher than they really were. So, I immediately thought that person hated me.  

Today I went home. Mindless. Just trying to not overthink the normal events that took place today. To me, they seemed much bigger. Much worse. Simple exchanges of words and body language seemed much more important. 

Today I got home and felt a small weight lifted off of my shoulder. My dog was so excited to see me. His tail wagged non-stop and so much that his butt wagged along with his tail. My fiance exclaimed "Baby's home!" and hugged and kissed me. I am happiest when I am with him.

I was home and safe, but my mind wasn't. A part of my brain knows that I am over thinking and that it is no one's fault but my own. So, I continue to blame myself in a never ending circle of pointing the finger at myself and then getting mad that I'm even pointing the finger at myself. 

Tonight I went to bed. My mind continued to overthink everything that I went through today. It kept asking its self if I was good enough. Am I even worth it? 

Tonight I fell asleep, a part of me hoping that I would never wake up. 

Because you see, I go through all of this with a smile. No one ever sees my invisible illness. Because how am suppose to explain to someone that I am sick but not insane? Because people would simply just tell me to suck it up and get over it without a second thought. 

I stay silent with a smile for every else's sake. I do this until I burst. Until I can't handle every thought and emotion that floods my mind. Until a baby's cries fills my head with the death of my 2-month-old niece. When my body shakes or becomes completely still. When I burst, I am a prisoner in my own body, and there isn't a doctor's note that can excuse me from work. 

So tomorrow I will wake up still exhausted from the day before. I will go to work with a smile on my face. I will work with enthusiasm happy to help.

Because I don't get a doctor's excuse. I just get a prescription and a bottle.

Because I suffer silently behind a smile.

_______________________________________________________

Living with a mental illness is a daily struggle for anyone. While I will admit that anxiety is nowhere near as bad as other mental illnesses, it still affects my daily life. One of the biggest struggles is trying to explain to people why I feel the way I do. Which is why I often hide it and that is not healthy.

Also, thank God for my fiance Tyler. This man has had to deal with my episodes all the time. He has picked me up when I called barely able to talk and has learned how to calm me down.

;

Chapter Four: Journey down the rabbit hole

So, after a long tough/bad week at work, I took as much time as I could to escape and just relax. Now, for a girl who works two jobs, who is planning a wedding, currently in the middle of moving, and trying to have some sort of social life that is almost impossible. However, last night (Saturday) I got off work and was taken on a movie date by the wonderful Tyler. Now, to most this doesn't sound like taking time for myself. But! The second that movie starts I am sucked into the magical world it is set in forgetting the world that my body is in. My mind travels and drowns its self in the story being told, and for a moment I am someone else, somewhere else.

This is why I love pop culture. This is why I love books, movies, music, video games, and shows. Every day I go to work and write about some tragic story that really sounds just like the one I wrote the day before and the only thing that changes are the names and places. It can really get to a person who hates seeing bad things happen, and an author who imagines entire new worlds and is stuck in this one writing about another deadly accident or drug arrest just to pay the bills. But, for just a few hours I can be a former assassin on a journey to reclaim her throne and save the world from dark forces or the Queen of England stuck in the middle of a bloody war between cousins.

That is true magic. The ability to escape one's reality and one's problems to explore magical worlds. The ability to create worlds for people to escape to. Not spells you learn from a book or summon from drawing power from other dimensions. No, it is forgetting, for even just a moment,  that there are bills to pay, forms to fill out, jobs to go to, chores to do...

For just a moment I didn't feel anxious or worried about tomorrow.

So, lets go down the rabbit hole, shall we?