Chapter Five; My story isn't over

Today I woke up at about 5:30 in the morning. I slumped out of bed and begrudgingly walked to the shower. I faked a smile in order to apply my blush so that I didn't look like death. My dog was fed and taken out.

Today I drove to work telling myself that I will be happy today. 

Today I heard two of my coworkers whispering. About what? I do not know. What I do know is that I could have sworn they were talking about me. At least, that is what my mind was telling me. 

Today I sat at my desk writing my news story knowing it wasn't good enough. Knowing that my writing was sub-par. Or is it? Because you see, my mind told me that I couldn't write. My boss told me it was great writing just needed that bit of polishing. 

Today some words that were said seemed harsher than they really were. So, I immediately thought that person hated me.  

Today I went home. Mindless. Just trying to not overthink the normal events that took place today. To me, they seemed much bigger. Much worse. Simple exchanges of words and body language seemed much more important. 

Today I got home and felt a small weight lifted off of my shoulder. My dog was so excited to see me. His tail wagged non-stop and so much that his butt wagged along with his tail. My fiance exclaimed "Baby's home!" and hugged and kissed me. I am happiest when I am with him.

I was home and safe, but my mind wasn't. A part of my brain knows that I am over thinking and that it is no one's fault but my own. So, I continue to blame myself in a never ending circle of pointing the finger at myself and then getting mad that I'm even pointing the finger at myself. 

Tonight I went to bed. My mind continued to overthink everything that I went through today. It kept asking its self if I was good enough. Am I even worth it? 

Tonight I fell asleep, a part of me hoping that I would never wake up. 

Because you see, I go through all of this with a smile. No one ever sees my invisible illness. Because how am suppose to explain to someone that I am sick but not insane? Because people would simply just tell me to suck it up and get over it without a second thought. 

I stay silent with a smile for every else's sake. I do this until I burst. Until I can't handle every thought and emotion that floods my mind. Until a baby's cries fills my head with the death of my 2-month-old niece. When my body shakes or becomes completely still. When I burst, I am a prisoner in my own body, and there isn't a doctor's note that can excuse me from work. 

So tomorrow I will wake up still exhausted from the day before. I will go to work with a smile on my face. I will work with enthusiasm happy to help.

Because I don't get a doctor's excuse. I just get a prescription and a bottle.

Because I suffer silently behind a smile.

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Living with a mental illness is a daily struggle for anyone. While I will admit that anxiety is nowhere near as bad as other mental illnesses, it still affects my daily life. One of the biggest struggles is trying to explain to people why I feel the way I do. Which is why I often hide it and that is not healthy.

Also, thank God for my fiance Tyler. This man has had to deal with my episodes all the time. He has picked me up when I called barely able to talk and has learned how to calm me down.

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